Listen – Really

When I worked as a ticket taker at the movie theater on a Saturday night, I would typically say certain things while tearing the ticket like, “Sir, your movie is in theater 23 down the hallway to your right. Enjoy your movie.” To which the reply would be, “Thanks, you too.”

At first, I wondered if the person thought I watched movies at the end of every shift, spending an additional two hours at work just for the fun of it. But then I realized that some customers didn’t listen as well as others. In fact, it was common for me to suggest, “…and sir, the concession stand down your hallway is open tonight for your benefit and has no lines at this time,” I’d then watch the people go to the concession stand behind me and stand in line for ten minutes.

I quickly realized that listening was a skill, as demonstrated by couples that attended the movies. Typically the man would head toward the concession lines, while the lady would head to the hallway concession where there were no lines. It would take about 6-10 steps before each would realize that they were going in separate directions.

Even more funny was watching to see which one would win out. Typically if the man was bullheaded, the woman would acquiesce. And, if the woman was more dominant, the man would scurry over to catch up to her knowing he would receive flak.

My personal favorite was the person that left my stand and headed the direction they always head, and after about 4-5 steps would realize what I said and swerve around to go down to the hallway concessions. It was like a car banking on a cloverleaf entrance ramp.

I could tell that many folks were good listeners, but few knew the answer to any question I asked while at the concession stand like, “What movie are you seeing tonight?” I was amazed at how many had to look at their ticket stub to find out. Clearly many folks just wanted to get out of the house and could care less about what film they saw.

Due to my recent break-up, I thought back about our times together and the one thing that stood out in my mind, as being the healthiest aspect of our relationship, was the energy we both put into listening to each other. We spent hours every weekend listening to each other’s thoughts and feelings.

We both recognized that the other person knew where we stood in areas of work, passion and play. Listening allowed our break-up to be compassionate, with both of us leaving on good terms. So good in fact, that we sat together at a conference recently.

I found that the key to listening is making sure I put my thoughts on hold until I know beyond any shadow of a doubt what her perspective is. I want to fully understand it and acknowledge it, before I even begin to mention my viewpoints. Acknowledging her thoughts and feelings were very important, as it was sometimes the only thing that allowed her to understand that I fully comprehended her situation. And, it wasn’t too hard to do.

Sometimes I would paraphrase what I just heard to make sure I really got what she was saying. Other times I would ask a key clarifying question that would let her know I was listening and engaged. And, from time to time, I’d allow my emotions to reveal my empathy for what she experienced. In all cases, she knew I respected her and always wanted to hear what was on her heart and mind.

Unfortunately, being a good listener is only one of the many things needed to make a great relationship work.

Just in case I get another shot at love down the road, I continue to make sure that I stay engaged and truly listen to the people I’m with. I’ve found that both men and women appreciate knowing that they were heard, understood and respected. And, I’ve found that the fastest way to make a friend is not to tell them how great you are, but listening carefully to learn about the things that make them great.

Paul had it right in James 1:19, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” Others have said that God gave us two ears and one mouth so we’d spend twice as much time listening than talking. I try to keep both thoughts in mind, as I’m one to talk ten times more than others.

So, I’m taking more time to listen – Really.